Yes...I am talking about myself. I have been struggling with whether or not to write this post...and finally decided, Damn it...it NEEDS to be written!
No one really talks about the negative effects training and dieting can have on someones mind. I think many people go through it, but no one ever talks about it...why? Out of shame? Maybe...that's why I was struggling with whether I was going to come clean or not with it.
One week out from my next competition and I decide to pull out...WHAT! Yes, I know you are thinking, but you are so close, why would you do that? This brings me to the title of this post.
I actually took notice of very particular habits I was forming and thought for a second..."wait a minute...I think something is wrong here...I think I may be on my way to a serious food addiction and may be developing some body issues..." I say that because I noticed an OVERWHELMING desire to eat all the time...every thought in my head was about food...I constantly looked up food and recipes online, walked up and down the isles in the store looking (and almost drooling) at the different foods I wanted so badly but couldn't have. Now, this probably doesn't sound so bad, right? Maybe a little normal for someone on a competition diet? No, at this point food was controlling my life...and it gets worse...
I'm on a strict eating plan of fish and asparagus...for WEEKS...MONTHS...and I hate fish. Repeat, repeat, repeat....on days I have a craving and want to cheat I don't grab a banana or apple (both of which were NOT on the diet...but would have been a "better" cheat option) I would grab the WORST thing I could find...ice cream...cookies...chocolate...WHATEVER...and eat and eat and eat...until I was feeling guilty...not until I was feeling full...but actually guilty...and I would do it all in secret...yes...this is the part that was a red flag for me...BINGE EATING IN SECRET... HELLO. If that dies not scream "Eating Disorder" then I don't know what does.
I am some what of a "Type - A" personality...I like to be in control...alot...(maybe that's why I became a personal trainer!?!? LOL who knows...) so...when I realized I was totally OUT OF CONTROL in terms of my eating...I knew it was time to put the breaks on...step back...and assess the situation before it went too far.
I have NEVER been one to obsess over food...or even ever had body issues. I've always been pretty happy with my body and never have really dealt with being overweight or hating the way I looked. I had a LOOOONG talk with one of my coaches...many of you know her and/or subscribe to her blog (Lishia Dean) and she really helped me. (What an awesome person she is, I swear.) She told me the story of her competition history...from when she started up until now. I'm not going to go though the whole story, but there was a point in her career where she took some time off and she said it was the best thing she ever did because when she came back she was back 110% and ready to do it. And, many of you know...she is on a journey to get her pro card this year....(which I have no doubt she'll get!!!) So...going from a situation where her head wasn't in it 100% to coming back after a break and now being a contender for an IFBB Pro Card says ALOT about what a break can do for you.
The other thing I thought about was the fact that I am a trainer...I have clients...and I help guide them towards healthy eating...and coach them to have a healthy relationship with food...well how the HELL can I do that if I begin to have a bad relationship with food?!?! I can't...so I decided what was best for me right now was to step back and refocus. If I can mentally wrap my head around doing another contest prep diet in the future WITHOUT having food issues that are out of control...then I will definitely be competing...and for a long time...but if it continues to defeat me and put me in a bad relationship with food and those around me (because I also didn't mention how MISERABLE I was...lying to myself and everyone around me that I was happy when I wasn't...and being annoyed and irritated by stuff that should have never bothered or annoyed me...) then I would rather walk away then struggle with an eating disorder for the rest of my life.
I was very afraid to write this post and come clean. By all my previous posts it looks like I am doing so well...but if you noticed there were DAYS between posts...I only wrote on the days I was kicking ass...but on the bad days....I wasn't writing my struggles...why? I was embarrassed and ashamed....sad, but oh so true.
I will NOT let any of this defeat me. I am taking the steps to regroup and refocus on what I need to do. I will not stop blogging...it's been a great outlet for me so far, and the followers and support from you ladies has been tremendous. I hope to still inspire, even with such a set back as this. I wanted others to know it's OK to step back if you need to. NO COMPETITION AND DIET is worth giving yourself an eating disorder over.